she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
and you fell through a lawn chair
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
