My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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