i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Randomize
