dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
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