are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
