So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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