I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
