I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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