My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I think weed is turning my hair brown
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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