the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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