she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
