I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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