I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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