Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
