and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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