he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
If I die, sorry about rent.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
