found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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