OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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