he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
