Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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