You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
