i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
