Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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