my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
We don't watch enough power rangers
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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