I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
