Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
