apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
