The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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