and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
