whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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