He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
