The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
