mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
