fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Randomize
