omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
