i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
