May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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