She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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