Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
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