We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
