I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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