are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I want to make a zoo with you.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
