when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
