wrigley field is MILF paradise
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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