We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
