Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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