hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
