All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
