Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I'm at about main and main street
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
