I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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